I sat one night as a Mountain Dulcimer player and banjo player swapped one-liners for almost two hours condemming each others instrument. My first thoughts were, "Why can't we all just get along?" but I soon discovered that this is just the way things are. You might say, the natural order of things. Well, maybe you would not say that. However you feel about the banjo, where would traditional music be without it? No realy, where would it be? Now stop that, we need the banjo! Well anyway I hope you enjoy these jokes which I have collected below. I will be adding to them often so check back often.

You may get the idea I myself don't like banjos. Well, since I play one I figure it's safe to poke fun at myself. You can also substitue banjo with the instrument or profession of your choice if that makes you feel better.

Don't forget the immortal words of Steve Martin who said:"The banjo is such a happy instrument--you can't play a sad song on the banjo. It always comes out so cheerful. Doom, Dispair, & agony on high...see,,,you just can't do it!"

And then there is Pete Seeger who comments on the banjo--"This machine surrounds hate and forces it to surrender..."

I don't know who said this: "The 5-string banjo is a noble and mellifluous creation; it comes in a variety of shapes and styles, is played in a variety of different ways, and has almost entirely replaced the harp as the chosen instrument of the angels."

Hot Dog Buddy Let's Go!
1. What's the difference between a banjo and a chain saw? You can turn a chain saw off.
2. What's the difference between a banjo and a Harley Davidson? You can tune the Harley.
3. What's the difference between a banjo and a South American Macaw? One is loud, obnoxious, and noisy; and the other is a bird.
4. How can you tell the difference between all the banjo tunes? By their names.
5. What do you call a good musician at a banjo contest? A visitor.
6. How is playing the banjo a lot like throwing a javelin blindfolded? You don't have to be very good to get peoples attention.
7. How can you tell if there's a banjo player at your door? They can't find the key, the knocking speeds up, and they don't know when to come in.
8. What's the best and fastest way to tune a banjo? Wirecutters.
9. "Frets are like speed bumbs,,,,, on a banjo"
10. What's the difference between a banjo player and a locksmith? A locksmith gets paid to change keys.
11. Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players? It saves time in the long run.
12. What's the difference a skunk run over on the road and a banjo player run over on the road? You see skid marks in front of the skunk.
13. What will you never say about a banjo player? That's the banjo player's Porche.
14. Why do fiddlers pick on banjo players? Because they can't pick on their fiddles.
15. When do banjo songs sound the best? When they're over.
16. What is the difference between a banjo and an onion? nobody cries when you cut up a banjo.
17. What is the definition of perfect pitch? Throwing a banjo into a toilet without hitting the seat.
28. What are flaiming guitars good for? lighting banjos on fire.
29. How many banjo players does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five, one to screw it in and four to complain that it's electric.
30. Where do banjo players play best? In a galaxy far, far away.....
31. Banjo players are a lot like sharks-- They think they have to keep playing or they'll sink.
32. After you've played the banjo long enough people will pay you to play; However, your neighbors will pay you to stop.
33. What is the difference between a good banjo player and bigfoot? There have been sightings of bigfoot.
34. How many banjo players does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five, one to screw it in and four to complain that Earl wouldn't have done it thata-way.
35. What's the difference between a banjo player and a savings bond? A savings bond eventually matures and earns money.
36. What did the banjo player get on his SAT test? Drool.
37. How do you get two banjo players to play in unison? Shoot one.
38. What is worse than telling banjo jokes? Laughing at them.
39. How many strings does a banjo have? Five too many.
40. How many banjo players does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five; one to screw it in and four to lament about how they miss the old one.
41. Why did the chicken cross the road? She was showing the opossum & the banjo player the way.
42. What's the difference between a banjo player and a puppy? If you ignore a puppy long enough it will stop whining....
43. Know any banjo jokes? Just me.
44. What's the difference between a banjo and an accordion? The accordion takes longer to burn.
45. How many banjo players does it take to screw in a light bulb? none, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
46. What's the difference between a run over frog and a run over banjo player? The frog was on it's way to a gig.
47. Why do so many fisherman own banjos? They make great anchors.
48. Banjo players spend half their lives tuning, And the other half playing out of tune.
49. How do you make a banjo player slow down? Put sheet music in front of him.
50. How many banjo players does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five, one to screw it in and four to argue about what year it was made.
51. Banjo pickers; We tune because we care.
52. A banjo player is a lot like an appendix. The can both be a big pain sometimes; you don't miss them when they're gone; & no one's figured out what good they are.
53. Did you hear about hte bass player that locked his keys in the car? Took him three hours to get the banjo player out.
54. What's the difference between a banjo and a chainsaw? The grip.
55. "Banjo picker wanted: Music knowledge not required."
56. What's the best thing to play on a banjo? A flame thrower.
57. Why are banjos better than guitars? They burn longer.
58. What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin? Who cares?!? Neither is a banjo!
59. Why did the banjo player leave his capo on the dashboard? So he could park in the handicap zone.
60. What's the definition of a minor second? Two banjo player's playing the same note.
61. How many banjo players does it take to change a light bulb? 10: one to do it and 9 to stand around and say, "I could have done it better."
62. Why don't banjo players get any mail? Because they can't read notes!
63. What has 16 legs and 3 teeth? The front row of a banjo workshop.
64. How can you get six banjo players to play in harmony? Only give them one banjo.
65. What is the range of a banjo? About 30 feet if you throw it hard enough.
66. What is the difference between a terrorist and a banjo player? Sometimes you can reason with a terrorist.
67. What is this? "X X X" Three banjo players signing for a loan.
68. What is the difference between a banjo and a flute? Most flutes don't burn.
69. "There's nothing I like better than the sound of a banjo, Unless it's the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner...."
70. How is lightning like a banjo player's fingers? Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
71. How do you get a banjo player out of a tree? Cut the rope.
72. Why don't banjo players take breaks between sets? It takes them too long to retune.
73. How do you make a chain saw sound like a banjo? Turn it on.
74. How many banjo players does it take to screw in a light bulb? It doesn't matter as long as everyone gets a turn.
75. What's the first thing you know? That Jed's a millionaire!
76. How many banjo players does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five; one to screw it in and four to stand and watch.
77. What's the difference between a banjo and a trampoline? You take your shoes off to jump on the trampoline.
78. What is a banjo moralist? Someone who believes there is a right way and a wrong way to play a banjo and they will tell you about it!
79. Did you hear that they have isolated the gene for banjo playing? It's the first step to a cure!
80. How can a banujo player make money? Hang out your "Pay or I play!" sign.
81. How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? Six; one to change it it in and five to keep the banjo players from hogging the light.
82. What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw? A chain saw has a dynamic range.
83. You're lost in the deert and you see Bugs Bunny, a cactus, and a good banjo player. Who do you ask for directions? You might as well try the cactus, the other two are figments of your imagination.
84. Why do banjo pickers always die with their boots on? So they won't stub their toes when they kick the bucket.
85. What do you call 25 banjos up to their necks in concrete? Almost done.
86. What do you say to the banjo player in a three piece suit? "Will the defendant please rise."
87. If you throw and accordion and a banjo off the Empire State Building, which hits the ground first? Who Cares?
88. What do you all 100 banjos at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
89. How can you get a banjo player's eyes to sparkle? Shine a light in his ears.
90. Why did the Boy Scout take up the banjo? They make good paddles.
91. What is the most important aspect of banjo playing? ....Timing......
92. What should you do if you run over a banjo? Back up and do it again!
93. What's the difference between a banjo and a prune? Their color of course!
94. "Can you read music?" Banjo player responds, "Not enough to hurt my playing."
95. How do you keep a banjo player in suspence?
96. Where do banjo players play best? In traffic.
97. Why are all those banjo jokes so simple? So bass players can understand them.
98. What do you get when you throw a banjo and an accordion off the Empire State Building? Applause.
99. The sixth fret on a banjo is a lot like the thirteenth floor on a building. You don't really need one.
100. Speacial book set: Buy "How to Play the Banjo" Get "How to Regain your Family's Love" free!
101. What's the difference between a banjo player and lawyer? You don't want to run over a lawyer, You'll get sued!
102. Banjos are to music, What Etch-a-Sketch is to art.
103. What do banjo players and bottles of pop have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
104. How is banjo playing like a courtroom trial? Everyone is relieved when the case is finally closed!
105. How can you make a million bucks as a banjo player? Start with two million!
106. Why do they let banjo players play in pizza parlors? Because pizza is the only food that you can taste over the noise.
107. You know why I wear my banjo strap around my shoulder? Because I don't want it around my neck!
108. What is the difference between a newly graduated banjo player's resume, all the banjo songs, and a can of Alpo dog food? The can of Alpo has content!
109. How many banjo jokes are there? Only three. The rest are tue stories.
110. What instruments do banjo players play best? ????????????????????
111. Whats the loudest noise on the beach? A banjo player and a sea gull fighting over a fish.
112. What happens when you play banjo songs backwards? They sound the same.
113. Mark Twain's definition of a gentleman: a man that can play the banjo and don't.
115. How do you define an optimist? A banjo player with a beeper.
116. What do you get when you cross a banjo player and a ground hog? Six more weeks of "Foggy Mountain Breakdown".
117. What's the first thing you say when you graduate with a degree in banjo? "Do you want fries with that?".
118. How do you get a banjo player off your porch? Pay for the pizza.
119. What is the difference between a banjo player and a pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four.
120. What's the difference between a banjo and a harmonica? The harmonica only sucks every other note.
121. What's another name for a sledge hammer? Banjo mute.
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Wayne Cantwell

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